he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
