I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
