I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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