My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
