Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
