Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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