If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize