Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
