fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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