This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize