im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
