Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
