I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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