My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
