Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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