I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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