This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
