Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
