I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
