I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
