I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
