Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
