I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
