My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
