so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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