I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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