I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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