i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
