I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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