Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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