gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
