New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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