I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
