Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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