If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
