Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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