Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Soap is not a condiment
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
