hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize