I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
