I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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