All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think my fart just growled at me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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