You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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