Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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