He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
