Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
