Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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