we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
