You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
