I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
