Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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