There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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