He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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