If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
