u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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