He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
