There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
