People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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