i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
