First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
