I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
